That One Time I Felt Like Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory

 

zuckerbergDo you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? And that the person watching you is Mark Zuckerberg? And that Mark Zuckerberg is an evil genius planning world domination? And that he is going to use Facebook to control our minds?

No?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Allow me to take you down my rabbit hole:  The other day, I was online shopping for a dress to wear to an upcoming holiday party. I perused several stores in search  of the perfect dress that would make me look taller and skinnier, but didn’t find “the one”.  The next day, before attempting round two of  what is inevitably a needle in a haystack type search, I first check my Facebook (because I always check my Facebook).

Mind blown.

A few of the dresses I looked at yesterday were now pictured on my newsfeed, along with a couple of dresses from different stores but similar in style and price to my searches.  I wasn’t even scrolling on the fb for twenty seconds when I found my “needle” in the form a gorgeous velvet halter dress. Whaaaaat? How is this possible? How did Facebook know I would love this dress? Is it reading my mind? Also, is there a free shipping promo code on here somewhere?

Yeah, yeah, yeah I get how this works… sort of. One of my nerd friends tried to explain it to me but all I remember is there are cookies involved (unfortunately they aren’t the kind you eat with a glass of milk while sitting on your couch in sweatpants because they are the only things that fit you right now… Damn you, Christmas break). Apparently these super cookies allow websites to obtain all kinds of information from your browsing history. So creepy, right?

And sneaky little Facebook is doing it for pure evil, but we don’t even bat an eye because “Oh my gosh! Facebook made me a video? Emily and I have been Facebook friends for five years?! This video is adorable. Look at all those super cute pictures of us together! Thank you, Facebook. You’re the best!”

Well played, Zuckerberg. Well played indeed.

But I am on to him. I bet in a few years’ time, Marky Mark and his sinister bunch will start (if they haven’t already) sending subliminal messages via Facebook that will eventually brainwash us into mindless zombies forced to do his bidding. And we will be none the wiser because we were too distracted watching adorable otter videos and taking online quizzes on what type of breakfast taco we are to see his evil plot unfold.

But Z-dawg isn’t going to jump in feet first into world domination. Noooo, he knows he needs to take his time with this. First he’s going to see just how much stupid crap he can make us  do on the Internet. Basically ensuring we are brainwashable.

Case in point: For the past couple of weeks, every time I logged on to Instagram, a Facebook owned site (calm down, Zuckerberg), I would see this video for a facial mask that’s supposed to magically rid your face of all blackheads. It’s unlike any other mask out there because it’s black <insert oooh ahhhh noise>. The color is a result of the mixture of the mask’s respective ingredients: carbon atoms from the Dead Sea, unicorn horn shavings, and leftover ingredients from Kylie Jenner’s face transplant. Anywho, the stuff cost like $80, so sadly my dreams of achieving pre-pubescent skin faded away into the pink and orange Instagram sunset.

But lo and behold! Not even two days later, I saw another video for the same kind of mask on Facebook. It looked amazing. Women were applying this black gunk on their faces, and then peeling it off to reveal smooth, beautiful blackhead free skin. And guess what? I can order three bottles of this stuff for only $25! But just to make sure I could safely whip out the cc without being scammed, I read most of the comments on the video and performed a light stalking of those who wrote interesting reviews. Everything seemed legit. I even found a promo code in the comments for 20% off! This was meant to be.

Lesson Learned: You get what you pay for.

Besides the moderate burning sensation that I immediately felt when I put the mask on my face, my application process looked just like the video.

Things quickly fell apart when the time came to peel off the mask. If you’re one of the five people who watch my snaps, the following video will be a review:

 

 

Holy hell that hurt so bad. To add insult to injury, parts of the mask wouldn’t come off my face. I’m pretty sure I scrubbed off two layers of skin trying to get this crap off.


I don’t know if the $80 version of this stuff is any less painful. But I’m never going to shell out money to rip skin off my face again, so it will forever remain a mystery in my book.

Don’t think I don’t realize that the joke is on me. I know I fell victim to Zuckerberg’s elaborate ploy. He baited me with fancy face stuff I can’t afford on one site then reeled me in with the cheap crap one another. At the end of the day, I can’t even be mad at the guy because clearly I’m an idiot. While taking a quiz on how well I know Steel Magnolias yesterday, I saw an ad for these super cute boots just like the ones I’ve been eyeing at Nordstrom…

Zuckerberg – 1

Mariana – a little brainwashed

 

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